Evolution of Expression

There have been so many suicides around me lately…..there is nothing sadder, than losing hope… than losing life. Imagining that this moment now, is all there is and will ever be…..

This has been the impetus for me to write this blog…..

When I was about 13 years old, a few traumatic events happened in my life.

My beloved grandmother died suddenly at 67. I spent a lot of loving time with my grandparents.
I ended up in hospital with an extremely rare and near fatal throat infection, which required immediate removal, and a 10 day stay in an oxygen room.
I suddenly became a woman……what ever that meant!?
I began getting regular migraines

My life changed - I was scared - I felt alone, like I had never felt before! In some ways I was use to change, my parents split when I was five and then again permanently when I was ten years old. My two older brothers lived with my father, and my older but youngest brother and I lived with my mother.....but permanent loss - death was new to me.

With the death of my beloved Nan, and my own narrow escape........ life became suddenly fragile.....and I began thinking about life and death in a up close and personal way. Until then, it was just an abstract idea.

With these new experiences, came new emotions and realisations.......and with those an inability to express what was going on inside. I hated school, I felt alone and isolated from people my own age.

Later that year, I remember, wanting to commit suicide (commit - is such a weird expression in itself), writing a suicide note.....in a strange way, it was a way for me to take control of life. My last bastion of self! Luckily my mother found the note....Would I have completed the promise? I don’t think so, but I truly don't know! Am I please I didn't.....absolutely!

Im not sure I had a understanding of what it really meant.....other than I felt in so much pain and I didn’t know how to stop it. I knew and imagined I could take lots of pills - our house was full of them (my stepfather was a doctor). I thought this was something I could truly control ...because it felt I had no control in my life.

I didn't know at that time, I was in the middle of a transformation, I had no idea, that one day I would become a butterfly and would fly with my heart beating my own wings. I could only, feel the pain and liquification of my then 'self'.

It was then I found the guitar! I never was a decent guitar player, more of a chord strummer. But my guitar gave me an avenue to express my pain.....It brought my emotions upward and let me explore them in private. I started writing songs - the accompanying music allowed me to find the emotion and words that always seemed to abandon me when I was around others. The music and the formation of my words often brought unexpected tears in its birthing........

Were they great songs....Yes, they were lifesavers...... for me! From an objecrtive perspective.....no, not so great! :-)

But I am so grateful that I stumbled across this wonderful form of expression..........at this young, transformative and painful time in my life. All I can add to the incredibly sad story of suicide…is my own journey and to encourage people towards a creative outlet. It truly is healing. Whatever form of expression you take….

A motto that we all need to remember at times…..”This too shall pass”……it always does…..its called life!
We are all yet butterfly's in the making………….even when we don’t know it!

Richard Clague